I hate living with my roommate, but don’t want to ruin the friendship. I also hate the idea of sitting down to talk with her. What if she cries? How do I get her to decide not to live with me next year without an awkward confrontation?
Can’t live with her, can’t live without her
Dear Can’t live with her, gonna live without her,
First, are you on your period? If so, this whole situation could be fixed next week and you can stop reading now. Take some Midol and pull yourself together. If not, and if you really are ready to finalize the roommate divorce, we can proceed. With the impending housing selection, it is necessary to force your current roommate to decide today that she doesn’t want to live with you.
A sure way to solve the issue is to find your roommate’s “button,” that one thing that, once hit, will bring down a torrent of irritation. If part of your living arrangement issue is that your roommate has multiple buttons, you’re in luck: hit every single one and she’ll be begging you to find another roomie. Here are some examples to get your niggle juices flowing:
- If your roommate is of the “modest is hottest” persuasion, walk around in your underwear shouting “Freedom!” like you’ve just channeled your inner second grader on the last day of school. You could also channel your inner Sasha Fierce and use your full length mirror to practice a full range of dance moves that would make the hair on a middle aged man’s balding head stand up.
- It is a truth universally acknowledged that women like things to smell good. For your roommate in particular, find that one scent that she can’t stand. If warm vanilla sugar makes her wanna puke, it just became your new musk. Rather than investing in a gas mask, she’ll just find a new roommate.
- If you live with a light sleeper, become the night owl who doesn’t understand the meaning of the word quiet. Your roommate may leave in a tizzy, and your grades may suffer. But at least she left.
Since this issue is not limited to girls, you males need to be prepared to make yourselves as undesirable as possible (although several of you don’t need any help):
- If you have found your perfect Ruth, sweet talk your girlfriend on the phone every night. Talk about your future children’s names, and don’t forget the “you hang up…no you hang up” routine. Or if you live in a ToHo you can just invite her over for a sleepover and that should do the trick.
- Sit your roommate down for a heart to heart. Tell him that the Lord convicted you in your devotions this morning (the only one you’ve done all year) that Halo 4 is of the devil and you are no longer comfortable with having it in your room…at all. Wanting to help your spiritual growth, he will accept, but also wanting to continue his heathen ways, he will seek a different living situation.
- Suggest Titanic for your bro date, then burst into tears for days afterward, bemoaning the fact that Rose let go of Jack in the end even though SHE PROMISED SHE WOULDN’T (lying witch). It also might help to have Celine Dion howling in the background.
If all of those (not so) subtle ways fail, you could go all Amy Poehler and pee in the sink. And if your roommate STILL shows grace to you even after all your efforts, then accept the fact that you’re the problem and will probably never like anyone you live with. Including your spouse. So do the world a favor and don’t procreate.
Never had a roommate,